Wouldn't Trade a Trial.

March 2015. I'm pretty sure that could be classified as the worst month of my life. I saw so many I loved tested in the hardest of ways, losses either physically or spiritually. Quite simply it was the worst. I don't remember ever crying so much in my life. (And if you know me, that's a lot.) You can read about a portion of that month here.

Month of Satan...and...

I was thinking about that month of March, haha the month of Satan. (Okay, pretty much if I don't like something I call it Satan. ;)) It was hard. Sometimes, it's harder for me to see ones I love go through a trial I can't help or fix than it is for me to experience something. That month was definitely one I can't forget. That month of Satan. But in all reality, it wasn't just the month of Satan. It was the month of my Father in Heaven, the month of joy, the month that I truly became who I am today. The month that day by day, shaped my testimony-shaped my life.

I remember one of those long nights, crying to my mom. "It's not fair. It's not fair." I kept saying it over and over, tears streaming down my face. I was upset. Almost on the verge of anger. My mom spoke some wise words to me. We talked for a while...I cried for a long while...my mom showed me that sometimes it's really not fair. Sometimes we, or the ones we love experience the trial of heartache. But it's no point for us to sit and wallow. It's a time for us to do something.

But...Why? *Cheesy Smile*

I'm convinced my four year old niece, Micah is the best human on planet earth to ask about a billion questions. More often than not, she's asking questions about something that's quite plainly in sight. (They think two year olds are the questioning age? They haven't met Mike.) 

Sometimes she'll ask, "What's that Rissa?" or "But why??" *Insert super cheesy smile because she knows the answer* To which I'll usually say, "It's ____" or "Because that's just the way it is Mike." (Then you multiply that scenario by about 20 times because that's literally how many questions she has haha.)

But I think that we are that way sometimes too. I think we ask too often, "But...why do we have to go through this Heavenly Father? Why are you having me go through this? It's hard." We question it a lot. Trials are hard. Trials are dang hard!! Sometimes it's just easier to think we would be better off without the hardship. Sometimes it's almost easier to live a (seemingly) happy, perfect, free, trial-less life.

As nice as that would be, I firmly believe there is something to be had and something to be learned from every little experience we have. From every single person we meet. I believe that trials are meant to make us better, to make us happier. I believe that even and especially when things are hard, that we aren't alone. That one, our Savior and brother Jesus Christ, knows exactly how it is and how it goes. He knows every heartache we feel, every sorrow, every sadness we experience. 

I Believe. 

"Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path, utterly alone, we do not have to do so."
-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"He will ever be at our side. He will fight our battles. He is our hope. He is our salvation. He is the way."
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"The one who had the power to calm the elements of the earth, has the power to calm our souls"
-Elder Robert D. Hales

I believe Jesus Christ knows because He suffered for our sins, died on the cross, and was later resurrected. I believe His love and understanding goes far beyond empathy or sympathy. I believe He knows. I believe He knows what it's like to be disappointed, hurt, angry, happy, joyful! I believe He knows, and truly is the only one that does. I believe that although He bled from every pore, felt the ache and sorrows of this world, was mocked and spit upon, I believe He wouldn't trade that trial and hardship. I believe He would do it again if needs be. I believe He loves us.

So I Wouldn't Do the Switcheroo.

I wouldn't trade a trial. I wouldn't change a thing about the hardships I've experienced. I wouldn't trade a moment of March 2015. Because even if it was harder than hard to see those I love go through seemingly unbearable things, I wouldn't trade it. Because I wouldn't trade the person I've become through that. I wouldn't trade the happiness that I sought in that hard time. And I certainly wouldn't trade the feeling of comfort from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Things are going to be hard. Trials will come and go. Days, months, and years like March 2015 will come and go, but honestly, I wouldn't trade a trial.

"Our most prized friend is Jesus Christ himself."
-Elder Ronald A. Rasband

My Allergies Include Microphones and Emotions.

I don't know about you guys, but allergy season kicks me in the butt! It's so rough this year. And I'm not even allergic to anything cool. GUYS I'M ALLERGIC TO GRASS. That's so lame. There's about a billion other cool things I'd rather be allergic to. I mean, grass is (almost) everywhere! So lame I tell ya.

But there's a couple other things I almost swear I'm allergic to; microphones and emotions. Anytime I get close to them it takes me for a whirl.

*my face when emotion allergies hit*

Hey Mike.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say everyone in my home ward has seen me cry at least one time or another. (Seriously, this allergy kicks my butt.) And it's not like there's even an allergy season for microphones, there just there. All. The. Time!

I pretty much fight it every time. That internal spiritual battle. 

"Get up and go bear your testimony."

"No I bore it recently, everyone's heard it."

"You get up there and bear it."

"Nope, I'll cry."

"You always cry."

That...is quite true. Every time I go up, I swear I won't shed a single tear. (Who even plans to anyways?) But there's got to be something about that microphone that truly gets me. Dang allergies.

What is This Feeling So Sudden and New?

Emotions are so dang weird. I think Disney's Inside Out portrayed it pretty well, sometimes emotions come and go. My best friend actually told me once, "You're not very good with emotions." I'm really not. If I don't like the way I feel, I try sidetracking myself and do something crazy--like start a blog. ;) 

I think as humans we have a hard time coping with what we feel. Anger, happiness, sorrow, sadness, joy, or even excitement. It's hard often times to put into words what we feel. It's even harder to show that to others while being sensitive to their feelings. 

Don't Taco About It.

Sometimes my allergies get the best of me. (Mainly the grass at the most inconvenient of times.) Sometimes I know I have to go and bear my testimony, not for others, but for me. It's hard to get the words out because I feel at times we have the thoughts of what we need to say and do floating around in our minds, but once the words escape our lips, our hearts know it too. 

Just tonight I was laying next to my mom and the words just came, "I want to go on a mission so bad right now." Out of total oblivion. I'm not entirely sure where it came from. Then complete silence. We both didn't say a word for a few minutes. I thought, "Marissa. What did you just say?!" 

Finally my mom spoke and we talked about it. About changes. Change has been so hard lately. So good, but so hard. I think I get the habit of saying, "it's all good" from my mom. Because so many times that she's said it and I truly believe it. It's all good. Change is hard, but man is it oh so good. I cried. Tears came out and I couldn't stop them. Things don't make sense. Sometimes they just won't make sense. But talking about it, vocally talking about it makes it real, tangible, and so doable. 

I'm so bad at vocally saying what I truly mean. Yes, yes, and yes, I can say totally stupid things that come across far from what I mean them to. I've always admired those who can easily say, "I love you!" to anyone and everyone. That's a real skill. But to say words to ourselves, others, and especially our Father in Heaven, that's what pierces my soul to the very core. I can get on my knees and pray in my heart to my Heavenly Father, no problem. But to get on my knees and pray to Him, to thank Him, to ask Him, to tell Him my struggles and heart aches...that's what gets me feel something I can't describe sufficiently in words. 

Sorry My Eyes are Watering.

So yes, microphones and emotions seem to be my most tender allergies...but there is nothing quite like the ability to speak vocally. To truly mean every word that comes out of your mouth, and (somehow) become a better person because of it. 

Thanks allergies for teaching me that sometimes microphones and emotions can be okay...but can we make a specific season for that?

Mostly Marissa 

My allergies are tending to act up a little bit because a week ago these cuties were here and now they're in California and Idaho...I'm not sure how to handle this so here's a plethora of cute pictures of them. Happy First Birthday Ella!

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