Wouldn't Trade a Trial.

March 2015. I'm pretty sure that could be classified as the worst month of my life. I saw so many I loved tested in the hardest of ways, losses either physically or spiritually. Quite simply it was the worst. I don't remember ever crying so much in my life. (And if you know me, that's a lot.) You can read about a portion of that month here.

Month of Satan...and...

I was thinking about that month of March, haha the month of Satan. (Okay, pretty much if I don't like something I call it Satan. ;)) It was hard. Sometimes, it's harder for me to see ones I love go through a trial I can't help or fix than it is for me to experience something. That month was definitely one I can't forget. That month of Satan. But in all reality, it wasn't just the month of Satan. It was the month of my Father in Heaven, the month of joy, the month that I truly became who I am today. The month that day by day, shaped my testimony-shaped my life.

I remember one of those long nights, crying to my mom. "It's not fair. It's not fair." I kept saying it over and over, tears streaming down my face. I was upset. Almost on the verge of anger. My mom spoke some wise words to me. We talked for a while...I cried for a long while...my mom showed me that sometimes it's really not fair. Sometimes we, or the ones we love experience the trial of heartache. But it's no point for us to sit and wallow. It's a time for us to do something.

But...Why? *Cheesy Smile*

I'm convinced my four year old niece, Micah is the best human on planet earth to ask about a billion questions. More often than not, she's asking questions about something that's quite plainly in sight. (They think two year olds are the questioning age? They haven't met Mike.) 

Sometimes she'll ask, "What's that Rissa?" or "But why??" *Insert super cheesy smile because she knows the answer* To which I'll usually say, "It's ____" or "Because that's just the way it is Mike." (Then you multiply that scenario by about 20 times because that's literally how many questions she has haha.)

But I think that we are that way sometimes too. I think we ask too often, "But...why do we have to go through this Heavenly Father? Why are you having me go through this? It's hard." We question it a lot. Trials are hard. Trials are dang hard!! Sometimes it's just easier to think we would be better off without the hardship. Sometimes it's almost easier to live a (seemingly) happy, perfect, free, trial-less life.

As nice as that would be, I firmly believe there is something to be had and something to be learned from every little experience we have. From every single person we meet. I believe that trials are meant to make us better, to make us happier. I believe that even and especially when things are hard, that we aren't alone. That one, our Savior and brother Jesus Christ, knows exactly how it is and how it goes. He knows every heartache we feel, every sorrow, every sadness we experience. 

I Believe. 

"Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path, utterly alone, we do not have to do so."
-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"He will ever be at our side. He will fight our battles. He is our hope. He is our salvation. He is the way."
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"The one who had the power to calm the elements of the earth, has the power to calm our souls"
-Elder Robert D. Hales

I believe Jesus Christ knows because He suffered for our sins, died on the cross, and was later resurrected. I believe His love and understanding goes far beyond empathy or sympathy. I believe He knows. I believe He knows what it's like to be disappointed, hurt, angry, happy, joyful! I believe He knows, and truly is the only one that does. I believe that although He bled from every pore, felt the ache and sorrows of this world, was mocked and spit upon, I believe He wouldn't trade that trial and hardship. I believe He would do it again if needs be. I believe He loves us.

So I Wouldn't Do the Switcheroo.

I wouldn't trade a trial. I wouldn't change a thing about the hardships I've experienced. I wouldn't trade a moment of March 2015. Because even if it was harder than hard to see those I love go through seemingly unbearable things, I wouldn't trade it. Because I wouldn't trade the person I've become through that. I wouldn't trade the happiness that I sought in that hard time. And I certainly wouldn't trade the feeling of comfort from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Things are going to be hard. Trials will come and go. Days, months, and years like March 2015 will come and go, but honestly, I wouldn't trade a trial.

"Our most prized friend is Jesus Christ himself."
-Elder Ronald A. Rasband

My Allergies Include Microphones and Emotions.

I don't know about you guys, but allergy season kicks me in the butt! It's so rough this year. And I'm not even allergic to anything cool. GUYS I'M ALLERGIC TO GRASS. That's so lame. There's about a billion other cool things I'd rather be allergic to. I mean, grass is (almost) everywhere! So lame I tell ya.

But there's a couple other things I almost swear I'm allergic to; microphones and emotions. Anytime I get close to them it takes me for a whirl.

*my face when emotion allergies hit*

Hey Mike.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say everyone in my home ward has seen me cry at least one time or another. (Seriously, this allergy kicks my butt.) And it's not like there's even an allergy season for microphones, there just there. All. The. Time!

I pretty much fight it every time. That internal spiritual battle. 

"Get up and go bear your testimony."

"No I bore it recently, everyone's heard it."

"You get up there and bear it."

"Nope, I'll cry."

"You always cry."

That...is quite true. Every time I go up, I swear I won't shed a single tear. (Who even plans to anyways?) But there's got to be something about that microphone that truly gets me. Dang allergies.

What is This Feeling So Sudden and New?

Emotions are so dang weird. I think Disney's Inside Out portrayed it pretty well, sometimes emotions come and go. My best friend actually told me once, "You're not very good with emotions." I'm really not. If I don't like the way I feel, I try sidetracking myself and do something crazy--like start a blog. ;) 

I think as humans we have a hard time coping with what we feel. Anger, happiness, sorrow, sadness, joy, or even excitement. It's hard often times to put into words what we feel. It's even harder to show that to others while being sensitive to their feelings. 

Don't Taco About It.

Sometimes my allergies get the best of me. (Mainly the grass at the most inconvenient of times.) Sometimes I know I have to go and bear my testimony, not for others, but for me. It's hard to get the words out because I feel at times we have the thoughts of what we need to say and do floating around in our minds, but once the words escape our lips, our hearts know it too. 

Just tonight I was laying next to my mom and the words just came, "I want to go on a mission so bad right now." Out of total oblivion. I'm not entirely sure where it came from. Then complete silence. We both didn't say a word for a few minutes. I thought, "Marissa. What did you just say?!" 

Finally my mom spoke and we talked about it. About changes. Change has been so hard lately. So good, but so hard. I think I get the habit of saying, "it's all good" from my mom. Because so many times that she's said it and I truly believe it. It's all good. Change is hard, but man is it oh so good. I cried. Tears came out and I couldn't stop them. Things don't make sense. Sometimes they just won't make sense. But talking about it, vocally talking about it makes it real, tangible, and so doable. 

I'm so bad at vocally saying what I truly mean. Yes, yes, and yes, I can say totally stupid things that come across far from what I mean them to. I've always admired those who can easily say, "I love you!" to anyone and everyone. That's a real skill. But to say words to ourselves, others, and especially our Father in Heaven, that's what pierces my soul to the very core. I can get on my knees and pray in my heart to my Heavenly Father, no problem. But to get on my knees and pray to Him, to thank Him, to ask Him, to tell Him my struggles and heart aches...that's what gets me feel something I can't describe sufficiently in words. 

Sorry My Eyes are Watering.

So yes, microphones and emotions seem to be my most tender allergies...but there is nothing quite like the ability to speak vocally. To truly mean every word that comes out of your mouth, and (somehow) become a better person because of it. 

Thanks allergies for teaching me that sometimes microphones and emotions can be okay...but can we make a specific season for that?

Mostly Marissa 

My allergies are tending to act up a little bit because a week ago these cuties were here and now they're in California and Idaho...I'm not sure how to handle this so here's a plethora of cute pictures of them. Happy First Birthday Ella!

Instagram: roo_photography1

A Special Thanks to the Skunk I Hit.

I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent driver. I mean I have the odds stacked against me; Asian and female. But the other day, my record was busted. I hit a skunk.

I've always gotten pretty close, maybe just a graze of hitting your typical squirrel or mouse. But it was dark, and once I saw that skunk run across the road with no intent of return, all I could say to myself was, "NO, NO, NO!" Then boom. That skunk, Satan's cat, was a goner. I felt the bump of when he (or possibly she) hit my car and I knew right then and there...Felipe (as I decided to call it) was in skunk heaven. 

Driving in Darkness.

Driving in the dark is a weird, yet awesome thing. You are in pitch black, but you're guided by a two lights that work on your car to become one and help you see. It's crazy! (I seriously applaud those who are intelligent enough to figure out every little logistic piece and make technology what it is.) 

Whenever I read or study the Iron Rod in the scriptures or have a lesson on it, I can't help but think about that dang Mist of Darkness. If that darkness wasn't there, then those on the Iron Rod could clearly see that maybe the Great and Spacious Building isn't what it appears to be. But because of the Mist of Darkness, they can't see entirely what's happening. 

I feel like sometimes on my journey of life, (or the Iron Rod) those Mists of Darkness get to me and I can't escape them. I'm holding on tightly with both hands, trying to see that glorious goal, (the Tree) but this fogginess clouds my mind. I still study my scriptures and pray, but my scripture study becomes more just reading, and my prayers seem less sincere and more automatic. 

It's hard to see in the dark without some source of light. And I'm positive the adversary knows exactly what he is doing when we go through those cloudy, hard parts of life. He knows that if he can get us just a little bit off the Rod, then he could do it slowly and bit by bit. 

What Would It Feel Like?

Just a few weeks ago, our stake had Girls Camp and I went to help a couple of the evenings. For one of the activities, they had an "Iron Rod Activity". I've done this before at Camps and Conferences, but here's what happens; (If you already know, skip the next paragraph)

This typically takes place in a field or area with foliage. There is a rope that acts as the "rod," the blindfolded participant has to stay on the rod, and not be lead astray by other ropes that could be tied to the initial rope and reach their destination. Pretty easy right? Oh yeah, I forgot, there are others who are acting as "tempters" trying to get the participant off the initial rope. Either off to a false rope, or off the path entirely. There are others who act as "angels" to help the participant through the journey. Both give tips and advice, both are seemingly helping, but since the participant is blindfolded, it's hard to tell if the person helping is a tempter or angel. The tempters and angels are spread throughout the course, encouraging in ways they only know how to keep the participant on the path or encourage them off.  The angel will encourage as though the participant will meet obstacles through trying to go under or around trees, stepping over boulders, and avoiding crowded areas. The angel does their best to help the participant reach their destination safely. However, the tempter is encouraging the participant with easier routes, safe zones, or even telling them they have reached the end. Neither the angel or tempter can physically touch the participant, but let them make the decision if they will listen to them--whether it be good or bad. (I hope that made sense!)

However, when I was listening on how this Iron Rod Activity would go on, there was something different. If the tempter could get the participant to reach out and take their hand, the tempter was to sit them down and away from the path.

The participant was only to sit for a few minutes until an angel would come to put them on the path again. 

How hard that would be. To feel like you knew exactly what you were doing, and listening to the "right" people, only to be off the path. You're blinded, because you can't see what exactly is coming or who is influencing you. 

An Ache in My Heart.

It hurt me to even think about sitting away from the Rod. From the rope. The safety that you know is there. My heart aches for those who are off the path and whether they know it or not, I hurt for them. Now not because I want them to live exactly perfectly, (because we are human--not one of us is perfect) not because I want them to live how I do, but because nobody should feel like there is a darkness or no hope in their life. Nobody should feel they are so far off in the dark from a decision they've made, that they feel there is no rescue. 

A Little Light. 

But the great thing is, we all mess up! I'm the worst at prioritizing, and that can sometimes lead me to be lazy or not finish everything I want to. Because I choose to not put things as they should be, I can almost lead myself to darkness. Truth is, I worry way too much about what people think about me. I don't like to admit it, but I do! I'm a people pleaser, (even it doesn't always appear that way) and I hate contention. But sometimes I tend to fall into that darkness and let those little things get to me.

But sometimes it's good to run into little patches of darkness, so we can yearn more for the glorious light. To give us more of a personal push for scripture study, and personal prayer, and just to become the best us we can be.

(If you want to know more about the Iron Rod, Mist of Darkness, or the Great and Spacious Building, check out 1 Nephi chapter 8 in the Book of Mormon.)

So Thanks Skunk.

So thank you skunk. I'm sorry you are now dead, and that I had to learn about how darkness really isn't that great, but can be made to be light. I'm sorry I didn't give you the funeral you deserved, or that I never really found out your name, but thanks for teaching me a lesson in a weird way. (Because apparently that's how I learn it--shoutout to the crow)

And thank you, friend and reader, for making it this far in this blog post that may not make sense. Thanks for being you, and getting through those dark times in your life. Basically, thanks for being you.

Mostly Marissa